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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

How to Know If You Are In a Controlling and/or Abusive Relationship

Men get abused also.
Some types of abuse such as emotional and verbal can be subtle. A controller ultimately wants everything his or her way. You might think it is cute in the beginning of a relationship when the other person is jealous, but once you get to know that person, you might discover there are more issues to consider. Generally when you date a person, it is for a reason, that is why it is called dating. You want to collect data and decide if you want to continue seeing them, start a relationship, or maybe just move on. If you are already in a relationship, there are some signs that you can watch for to help determine if you are in a healthy relationship. DO NOT IGNORE THE WARNING SIGNS. Abuse is not just limited to women. Men can be abused also, even though there may not be as many cases reported. Also, sadly enough there are teenagers that are in abusive relationships.

1. A controller may want you to spend all your time with him or her, cutting you off from your other friends, families, and relatives. You need family and friends. A man or woman that wants control may demand to know where you are every minute of the day. He or she may call you excessively throughout the day wanting to know where you are and what you are doing. They may demand to know why you have not made it back from the grocery store in 20 minutes. You may have just saw an old friend at the store and chatted for several minutes. A controller may demand that you have to do some things for the sake of the relationship. You are always being told do it for the sake of the relationship. You are constantly told that it is your fault, because something did not work out. The controller will never take responsibility for the part that he or she plays in a relationship. If someone smiles at you while at a social function, the controller may accuse you of being too friendly. A controller will emphasize what you need to do to make the relationship better. He or she may even go as far as to threaten you with , “If you leave me, I will kill you.”

2. Usually your friends may see these controlling tendencies before you do. If family and friends do not like your controller that may be a sign also. You may not see it at first because you might have tunnel vision or may even be in denial. Some times when a controller realizes or suspects he or she may be loosing control of the relationship, the controller may resort to emotional and mental abuse. The controller might say some things such as “You are too fat” “You need to loose some wait.” “No one else wants you.” “You can’t make it without me.” “You are so stupid.” “Can’t you do anything right like I told you.” “No one will believe you.” You may even get to the point that you believe those lies. The controller will tell you this so much and so often until it slowly lowers your self-esteem. It starts out gradually and before you know it the verbal abuse is full-blown.

3. It is not enough that the controller abuses you verbally and emotionally, but he or she might have this ungovernable temper. The type of temper that you never know when they will explode. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, that is a big sign. Another sign is when you are afraid that you might say or do the wrong thing to cause the controller to explode in public and cause you embarrassment. The sad part is that the abuser will have you feeling that everything is your fault and you need to fix it. When in reality the only person you can fix is yourself, no one else. You could be an angel, but as far as the abuser is concerned you will never get it right. This is just not a healthy type of relationship.

4. When the controller gets mad at whatever, he or she might resort to domestic violence and decide to use you as a punching bag. It might start out with a shove or just pushing you against the wall in his or her fit of anger. Then it gradually may increase to punching you. It is still abuse. Now the abuser may function well at work and in some social settings, but when it comes to you, the abuser feels you are the cause of the problems. The flip of the coin is after he has shoved you or punched you, he wants to make up for it . He may want to bring you flowers. Or the famous words of an abuser is “It will never happen again.” “I have just been under so much pressure at work.” The abuser has a Dr. Jekyll/Dr. Hyde personality. You just never know which one is coming out sometimes. The reality of all this is, if the abuser has hit you once, he or she will hit you again. Get help before it is too late.

Controlling and abusive relationships can be subtle.
Controlling and abusive relationships can drain you emotionally, physically, and mentally.
If you find that you are in an abusive or controlling relationship, it is unhealthy. Get help and get out. You cannot change the other person, but you can change yourself for the better.

What you need:
Support group, family, friends, a possible intervention

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